When I picked up the receiver, I heard dead air, well, not quite dead. There was an indistinct shuffling sound. I said “Hello,” for the second time. Then the voice that came on the line sounded abrupt and not in-the-moment.
“Hello, my name is Richard. How are you today?”
I said, “I am fine. Are you a real person? Or am I talking to a computer-generated voice machine?”
Programed artificial laughter came next, as if answering my question without having to answer my question.
“No, no,” the voice finally said after a too-long pause, “we are calling today to offer you….”
I hung up.
This kind of thing happens almost daily at my house. Just the other morning MultiCare called to schedule a medical appointment for me.
You guessed it, a robot call. “Press 1 if you want to schedule now.”
“You called me,” I complained to the mechanical device.
“Apparently, you, Ms. Robot, believe that I need an appointment, but you are not giving me details. I was not aware that I wanted an appointment.”
I pressed 1. And waited. And waited.
Soon I was switched to yet another machine voice that instructed me to hold the line and an operator would soon be available. So, they (MultiCare) called me and then had the chutzpah to plop me in a waiting queue to talk to a person. And that person, when he or she finally connected, asked me to hold some more because my call needed to be transferred to another line. But, of course, due to the high volume of calls…. Oh, and by the way, this call may be recorded for quality control.
“You called me,” I said again.” All along I am thinking that I am being manipulated by a programed machine that will record me, ask me to press buttons, and finally put me on hold for God knows how long. “You called me,” I said a touch too loudly.
Here’s the deal: virtual assistants are here now and will soon be part of most telephonic transactions. Whether you are making an appointment or calling for credit card information, outbound interactive voice response programs are a fixture in our lives. They chuckle, they cajole, they lie, they say “Hmm-mmm,” and they are becoming difficult to detect until the back-and-forth lasts a while.
Perhaps the crafters of robo calls will perfect a program that will be so convincing that we will never know if we are talking to a robot or a real person? Is it possible that transactions of all sorts can be realized without people whatsoever?
I recall a cartoon penned years ago: a college lecture hall, a tape recorder propped upon a podium, a tiered roomful of empty seats, and each chair served as a platform for yet another tape recorder. The voice from the professor’s recorder on the podium begins with: “It has come to my attention that many of you are not attending class….”
I am thinking of getting a virtual assistant to answer all those calls from other virtual assistants. Take the human element out of communication and frustration levels will plummet, for me at least. Of course, not much actual communication will happen, but the result ought to be a hoot.
Let’s demonstrate how an exchange might transpire:
Inbound Robot Voice: “Hello. How are you today?”
Outbound Robot Voice: “Hello. How are you today?”
[pause followed by a rustling sound]
IRV: “We are conducting a brief marketing survey in your area and would appreciate your help. The survey will only take a few minutes and, afterwards, you may be selected to win a free cruise from a major vacation tour company. Are you ready to begin?”
ORV: “Hello. How may I help you?”
IRV: “Good. Are you ready to begin?”
ORV: “Hmm-mmm.”
IRV: “Using a scale of one to ten, ten being best and one being lowest, how do you rate….”
ORV: “Hello. How are you today?”
At some point one or both artificial gizmos will end the call, but what fun tracking their exchange as they try to make sense of one another.
No laughing matter, though, when artificial voices are manipulated by advanced AI systems. I imagine a time when I might insult the voice calling me, and as punishment the electricity and water are shut off to my house, and a drone is sent to hover over my roof just to keep an eye on me.