You may have noticed that professional baseball players spit a lot. Among other busy-mouth gaucheries, spitting is part of professional baseball’s culture. Pitchers lick their fingers between pitches, they serve themselves from the buckets of bubble gum and tubs of sunflower seeds readily available in dugouts, and they spit, fulfilling a ubiquitous part of the game because that’s what baseball players do as a demonstration of a psychosexual oral fixation, or whatever. Okay, the psychosexual oral fixation conclusion is unsupportable, I suppose, but lots of stuff (gobs of gum, seed husks, wads of chaw, spittle, and God knows what else) shoots from ballplayers’ mouths as soon as the umpire shouts, “Play ball!”
Not long ago, pitchers employed the illegal spitball as often as they could get away with them. Preacher Roe and Gaylord Perry made a good living loading the ball with their spit. For decades, players squished chaws in their cheeks or dips between their lips and gums. In doing so, spitting resulted. Ball players had to spit. All those juices from gobs of mushed up tobacco stew needed liberation. If a player swallows a large wad of spit tobacco, the best medical advice is to vomit that toxic mushed leaf as soon as possible. Today, smokeless tobacco is banned in 16 of the 30 MLB stadia, and only veteran players are allowed to take a chaw or do a dip during the game in those other 14 venues. Because chewing and dipping tobacco is now forbidden for new players, gum and seeds are now the mouth teasers of choice. Manager of the Houston Astros, Dusty Baker, is rarely seen without a toothpick hanging from his lips during a ballgame, unless he’s busy spitting, just his way of keeping his mouth busy without chomping on something. Point is, baseball folks have an oral fixation unlike athletes in any other major sport. Spitting and other uncouth oral behavior is part of the game that we accept, and to hell with Miss Manners who, I’m told, never spits unless a fly accidently buzzes into her mouth.
Imagine a PGA golfer leaning over a putt on the eighteenth green. Before striking the ball, he sends a big slosh of sputum toward his caddy’s feet. Or think about a tennis player who stops before serving the ball to let a gob fly. Think of the danger to everyone on the court if NBA players routinely spit while standing at the free throw line lining up a shot. Not unheard of for an NFL player to dribble a line of blood, but thankfully all that headgear keeps spitting to a minimum. I have noticed, however, that football and soccer players frequently swish-n-spit water or sports drinks during timeouts.
What if the spitting culture spread to other public venues? Imagine the scowls we’d make if our local priest, rabbi, or preacher spit after offering the benediction. Just think of the shock we would feel if the local news reporter stopped mid-story to spit toward the camera. Can you imagine the scandal if the president of the United States paused after every other sentence during the state of the union address to spew a gob toward the teleprompter? Up to now, most restaurant workers have swallowed their mouth fluids, but perhaps a trend will soon come that places a spittoon in every chic eatery. Hey, history does repeat itself.
Spitting in public will not, I assume, become a thing. It’s not sanitary, attractive, or necessary. Unless one is playing professional baseball, it will always be preferred to keep your mouth closed and your juices to yourself.